Someone sing me to sleep.

I’ve tossed and turned since trying for lights out at 10pm, and I just can’t. They halved my dose of lorazepam last night, and I’m wishing they hadn’t. I could get the nurse and ask for more but then I’d sleep all morning, and I don’t want that, either. So I’m stuck in limbo somewhere between being half and completely dead at the moment.

I swear that sanity lives in that little part of your brain that allows you to rest. Like a fat little hobbit – you either have one living there that is lazy as fuck and you don’t even know they’re there, or one that likes to stomp around with hard soled shoes at all hours of the night in the second floor apartment above your room, dropping shit and banging pots and pans, replaying all the old home movies from your childhood at the loudest their surround sound system allows.

Pretty sure the latter kind lives in mine.

And, he shacked up there so long ago I don’t even know when he moved in. He just sort of showed up like a squatter and has never left.

Sleep is something I am so jealous of. And, I’m not a jealous person. Things and stuff, I can take it or leave it. But those priceless things – like sleep and the clarity of mind it allows upon waking – that I am jealous of.

I haven’t known it in years. I’d have to go back to grade school to remember when sleep just came unquestioned, like the law of gravity or breathing air. Never having to be thought about, but always, reliably there. Those pubescent years when your body is stronger than your mind, and it silences your thoughts so you can grow.

But no. 

Sleep has become a crossword puzzle. Riddles and backwards questions, stacked up in empty boxes needing answers before I can turn the page and shut my eyes. But all the answers are never there, so I’m just stuck here wondering things like ‘what’s 8400 letters and starts with B.’ And every possibility runs through my head until morning comes with its bags packed full of bricks and regrets, ready to let me drag them around all day.

In the few minutes of sleep I think I actually got tonight, at least the nightmares didn’t creep in. They usually do – in that surreal moment of drifting somewhere between “it’s happening” and “I’m out” – that weird ether where you’re neither here nor there, like a door slowly shutting, the nightmares dart like mice into your mind and start building filthy little nests for you to have to clean up the next morning, piecing them apart and wondering where the hell they came from.

At least I’m just exhausted, which is a step up from exhausted and disturbed.

I need to stop expecting things. I was expecting to sleep last night, just like the last two nights, medicated but blissful. That stupid asshole of a hobbit that lives upstairs with his wooden clogs danced around again, cataloguing all the new questions and ideas from yesterday, like a drunken librarian tripping over books and theories and falling on his face over and over, only to keep me awake from his endless racket.

I’m tired. 

On top of being confused and lonely, I’m disappointed to be here again – 3am, wide awake, with nothing but words to keep me company. Unclear thoughts and jumbled sentences, knocking at my brain and wanting to crawl out my fingers, falling into place on the white space of a computer screen. When I write, I’m usually unsure of where it’s going or what I’m saying, until 3 or 4 final words drop themselves in italics, a door slams, and that angry little hobbit goes back to his room.

What a fucking asshole.

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39 comments

  1. Too bad you don’t have a big book there. People always tell me if I can’t sleep to read my big book. Makes you sleepy lol. I’m sorry you can’t sleep. 😦 My singing is awful, so I won’t torture you like that….

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Haha 🙂 thanks for sparing me haha! I do have it – it was given to me on day 1. I’ve sat trying each day to read it but I can’t focus on it. I keep rereading each sentence three times, plus the type is so damned small and my eyesight sucks lol!

      I’m sitting here listening to roosters crowing and locusts in the trees. It seems a little early for roosters, but it’s oddly calming.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah I think roosters would drive me crazy. You know what I find odd, if you don’t mind me saying… is how bright and cheerful the work you did on that project was, and how all of your personal things are so dark. They are beautiful, none the less, but the polar opposite of what one would expect from the man who did those children’s photos. I know we all have many parts to us, but it makes me kind of sad that your thoughts and images go so deep and dark. You ARE going to be better. There is light at the end, trust me. I’ll tell you one thing though… wine made me very sad and dreary. I think there’s something in that stuff. 😉 Seriously. As your body gets better you’ll be surprised how those down days subside. I hope. I fight to stay up late these days because I’m trying to get as good as you on Photoshop! Boy. Long road ahead for ME. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks Janet 🙂 I see it too. Conflicted might be a good word for it. I always want for others what I strive for myself. So giving it makes me feel good. Helping them see their imaginations come to life – the possibility that anything is possible. I’m working on helping myself see that. I guess that’s why I’m here…? Hopefully one day with a bit more clarity I’ll be doing photos that have a bit more hope in them. Then, to confuse things even more, my main career is as a wedding photographer – documenting happily ever afters…oh the irony lol!!!

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      3. HaHa!! Not touching that one. I was going to say before that the times I get dark and weepy is when I think about love… so a wedding photographer I would not be!! lol. And I know that’s why you’re there… it was an observation and after I wrote it I thought… boy that was dumb lol. You obviously know. Chin up. I hope you are getting sleepy. I can’t sing but I’ve talked people to sleep before. Never tried writing them to sleep. ha!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hahaha not dumb at all!!! Oh I’m up for the day now. Perhaps it’ll help me sleep better tonight. Just frustrated with myself / my mind because I want to take in as much as I can. I’m open. I’m willing. I’m being as honest as possible and I want to be a sponge for all the help that is available to me. But I need to have some sort of clarity. And this haze of being in between awake and asleep won’t help. Coffee! Today I shall have ALL THE COFFEE. lol

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Yes. I love coffee! Coffee is good! 🙂 Clarity will come. It will slip in without you even knowing it. Your body is in shock I would guess. Patience. And hey!! Look at how much sober time you have already. Don’t forget to eat, too. That is a good sedative.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Yes the eating is coming along, too. It’s hard because I have no appetite really. But I’m forcing it down (plus the food is really good here!). New habits. Always got in trouble at home for going days without eating and just filling up on booze instead. So trying to get into the routine of these crazy things called “meals”. All these new age ideas lol!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Right?!? Who knew?!? 😉 I didn’t eat at the end of my drinking career either. From all that you say it sounds like you are in the same exact place I was. Lots of things you say I relate to. The elephant waiting for peanuts really got me. I too totally understand that. I’ve gotten much better at real life conversations with people, even strangers. But it’s still a struggle. One thing I find is that the more I open up, the more I find out that everyone else is just like me. We all struggle to be comfortable. Well, most of us. Anyway… I really liked that analogy. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Glad you liked it 🙂 Well, tonight, we went as a group to an open AA meeting. My first – EVER. It was interesting…and I got up and actually shared. Which I didn’t think I was capable of but it wanted out – and I figured I’m only here for 4 weeks, so I’m didn’t want to waste an opportunity. We go apparently every Friday. It was liberating! I’m exhausted from the day (and not having slept) but all in all – today was a very good day 🙂 Hope yours was too! xo

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      9. Oh yay! Good for you! That’s so awesome. I want to say I’m proud of you, but I don’t like it when my friends say that to me… so… I’m so happy for you! And you should be proud of yourself. It’s these little (or big) steps that inch us towards the healing. You just made me really happy. I do hope you are able to sleep. I had a good day… it’s still going on 🙂 I’m heading out again and will check later to see if you posted anything, or what’s going on. My life is quiet, so feel free to ding me if you are bored later and unable to rest. I haven’t been on except this moment to post and run. haha. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Fuck the hobbit, you’re doing mighty fine despite him! I mean, 90 percent of people would not be able to describe insomnia the way you have, even with the freshest of minds. Cherish that! Celebrate that. Your marbles may be working overtime and they’re working mighty fine, so be grateful ;). Having said that, I do relate very much! I too am very jealous of people who sleep and get the clarity of mind and freshness of body that sleep delivers. I am sure you’ll start sleeping again when will have made peace with yourself. In the meantime, just keep on writing! The hobbit is actually your faithful servant.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much ❤️ I’ve never thought of it like that….and if I can find peace, sobriety and sleep one day all these sleepless nights will be worth it. The hobbit can seriously take a vacation for a week though!!

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  3. Hey, hobbits are heroes…think of Bilbo, Frodo, and Sam 😛 But…again…I know exactly what you are talking about. When this happened to me in rehab, I just gave up on sleep because I did not want to have even more stress. So I laid in bed and tried to remain calm.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. That was so beautifully written. Sleep is so precious to me. I wake a lot through the night for a pee or because the baby stirred. I’m a very light sleeper but I have had periods of debilitating insomnia so now when I do wake I get a little rush knowing that I slept at all. I do not do well on no sleep. I spiral very quickly. After my youngest was born in 2015, I went downhill fast whilst breastfeeding her. That led to my first relapse in nearly 2 years. My partner is on high alert if I seem to be having sleep issues. It even led to on of my favourite addictions – zopiclone. Only I would fight the sleep part after taking them and just enjoy the buzz. My doctor got wise to I would order online and god knows what I was taking then!
    I hope you catch some zzzzzs.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I tell you this, fumbling.

    I know that 3am feeling. Staring at the clock, saying, “if I got to bed now, I can get X amount of sleep,” and before you know it the sun is up and I have to face the day again. Sleepless and strung out, again.

    The little part of your brain that allows to rest is your sanity. Brilliant insight. True for me, at least. It is the smallest voice ever that speaks to me with some semblance of sanity. I see this was posted 8 hours ago. I hope you were able to get your rest, whatever little piece of you could.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Mark. Nope, not yet – however ended up having a (very surprisingly) good day. Just starting to get into the thick of it now, so am anxious to start working. Where I’m at is a pretty unique centre, and I’m really happy with the choice (I was questioning it – and everything – before I came here). Now that I am able to concentrate a bit better, I’m hoping the sleep follows. I’m feeling at home here, which is definitely helping me relax a bit and have faith in my choice.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Ah yes, the 3am rooster in my noggin… I’ve just started a mindfulness course. I find the body scan meditation really good. Also cutting back on caffeine after dinner helps. Try to drink plenty of water, keep hydrated. You are doing brilliantly. Thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Haha the rooster – that’s even better than the hobbit! It’s exactly what it is. I’m definitely going to try meditating (more) starting this evening. My caffeine is a little off the hook but I never have any after 7pm (still probably too late…) and I’ve been drinking enough water to drain the massive water cooler outside my room daily LOL. At first my body was a little shocked and wondered what in the world I was putting into it lol!

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      1. In fact I woke at 3am this morning and thought of you. I tried to meditate but my noggin had gone joggin! After all my “fabulous ” advice to you… reminded me of something I heard ” Here’s my advice, take it , I’m not using it” Thanks for sharing your experience Shawn, it helps us all x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ohhhhhh ❤ LOL Love the new advice (and I'll take it considering you aren't using it!) Hopefully you'll get some better rest tonight…both of us! I think I just haven't had to 'go to sleep' in so many years…my brain doesn't know what to do. I've only passed out. Every night. So this whole "let's go to sleep thing" is fine by me, but my brain has literally forgotten how to do it. Tonight they've given me a valium AND lorazepam. I'm so anti-medication, believe it or not. And so far, nothing. Wiiiiiiide awake. Logging off shortly and going to try some meditation 🙂 I'm so happy for your comments and glad to hear they may somehow be helping you as well xoxo

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    1. Thank you, me too! How are you finding seeing the psychologist? It’s never crossed my mind as an option, but it seems like a brilliant idea. I’m hoping that with sobriety comes a bit more mental clarity…and then some sleep on a regular, reliable basis (we can wish!) xo Shawn

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      1. It is helping.
        I had problems starting before I got sober.
        I was on sleeping pills for many years, which helped me teach.
        But when I stopped and got sober, everything was messed up.
        My circadian cycle got all mixed up.
        So I am now doing sleep deprivation, along with some other things.
        It is working.
        I started by only getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep, and now I am on 6 or 6.5.
        And my sleep is better.
        Still want to get to 8.
        It takes a long time to do this, but I am willing!
        xo
        Wendy

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m so happy to hear it’s helping – if things don’t improve on this end with the sleep, when I’m home (in 4 weeks…ugh!) I’m definitely looking into it. THANK YOU for the indirect suggestion. Glad to hear you’re sticking with it – and I’m rooting for those 8 hours for you! xo

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  7. Oh how I remember the inability to sleep. And to have to just sit with so much rumbling around in our heads! I love the paragraph, “In the few minutes of sleep I think I actually got tonight, at least the nightmares didn’t creep in. They usually do – in that surreal moment of drifting somewhere between “it’s happening” and “I’m out” – that weird ether where you’re neither here nor there, like a door slowly shutting, the nightmares dart like mice into your mind and start building filthy little nests for you to have to clean up the next morning, piecing them apart and wondering where the hell they came from.” Perfect description! I always try to be aware of those moments and remember them, but it doesn’t usually happen. When I was in treatment, I scheduled an acupuncture appointment as late as possible to help me relax… do they have that there? It might be worth a try. You have quite a big cheering squad here for you! Hoping for better sleep, or at least resting with a calm mind for you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad you liked it 🙂 No accupuncture here, but if I requested it, I’m certain one of the counsellors would take me into town for an appointment. They’re very openminded – and that’s a brilliant suggestion, thank you!! And I’m beyond BEYOND BEYOND grateful for the cheering squad. I never expected it, but have never been more grateful. Thank you xoxox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will seriously try ANYTHING (also a problem because it’s sort of how I ended up here in the first place…) but yes, acupuncture is on my list now (thank you!) I’m going to make a request tomorrow to see what’s available in the area 🙂 xo

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