I was only recently introduced to the concept of Kintsugi, which is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.

It treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

This idea took my breath away. How beautiful. Feeling utterly broken and crying my eyes out specifically at the time I was told about it, it made my heart happy to imagine being put back together again. And not only that, but to be put back together in a way that gives value to all my shattered pieces.

How very Humpty Dumpty.

I’ve been trying to hold myself together for 20 years with alcohol, which has only been breaking me down further. Acidic by nature, it’s no wonder that wine has only made my shell weaker as it slowly eats away at all my broken edges. I have such a sense of shame for being an alcoholic and for what it has caused me to do with parts of my life.

Somehow learning to embrace all of it one day as part of my journey – as part of the history of the object – is a lofty and ambitious end goal I am choosing to have for myself. Visually imagining myself whole one day.

One day, when all of my pieces are back together again. When there is gold holding me together instead of alcohol. When I can see worth in every fracture and fissure of my being.

One day, when it won’t be all the king’s horses, or all the king’s men, or three bottles of wine – but myself who will finally be able to put me back together again.

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