I’ve been making the stupid mistake of trying to learn as much about this process of recovery I’m about to enter – and what to expect – by googling the shit out of it.
Don’t EVER GOOGLE health related anything.
I’m absolutely terrified of the detox and alcohol withdrawal. This morning I came across an interesting chart that plots me as “high risk for major, life threatening withdrawal” based on volume per day and length of consumption.
Um, how about 18 drinks a day for at least the last 10 years…
You know. All the fun withdrawal symptoms, like seizures and DT’s. Hallucinations, blood pressure issues (which I already struggle with). Confusion. Agitation. Nightmares. Fever.
Then again – I could be fine. I could pop right out of detox and into the program with nothing but some insomnia, night sweats and knowing me, uncontrollable sobbing.
All this overthinking.
I’m trying to figure out which is the chicken and which is the egg.
Did my mental health cause the addiction? Did the addiction cause and compound my mental problems?
Is it all part and parcel, each feeding on the other, growing fat and heavy in each others company like two gluttons just waiting to eat me, too?
I’m a “the more you know” sort of person. I love to learn. But damn. It can totally work against me sometimes. Too much information, too much mis-information, too many possibilities…I need to just let it be.
Because it’s going to be whatever it’s going to be, and the only thing I can do about it is accept it and embrace it.
It’s part of the process.